Mental Ted
Saturday, May 27, 2006
first hangover
Category: Alcohol Abuse
i feel bad today. last night i went to a gig to see the tits of death and the schla la las and some other bands that i do not know. one was called the boyfriends so you can imagine how i felt about that (cross and aggressive if you could not guess actually).
i was having a nice time biting boys shins to keep them away from the girls and had extra fun because i found a hole between the boys toilets and the girls toilets that had a board covering it. it was easy to knock down the board and then i ambushed boys in the toilets when they were having a wee and legged it into the girls toilets where it is safe. i am cunning and clever and naughty.
i am also damp because someone spilled some beer on my head. i have never absorbed alcohol before and it made me wobbly and odd. today my head is sore. alice said i was like a bear with a sore head and laughed. i will show her more sympathy when she next has a hangover and that will be in 25 hours and 32 seconds.
Friday, May 26, 2006
found
Category: S&M
hello. it is only me. ted. first i need to say thank you very much to a boy called alan who sent me an email about lost. lost was on the other day and i wanted to watch it because it had a bear in it. alan sent me a picture of the bear. he said that the bear was only on the programme for about 1.59 seconds and that it was quite good. nobody knows what the bear was for but nobody knows anything about lost because it is a big fat con so i dont mind.today i am excited because a nice lady called george is going to kiss me tonight. she is in the schla la las and that is a band and it is playing tonight in london and i will go and mosh like a mad bear. george is a boys name but she is a girl. i will have my work cut out for me because i have to protect her from boys but also the tits of death will be there and it is definitely my job to stop boys talking to them. and also alice will be there and maybe pete but if i see him i will bite him good. i will have to do some yoga before i go or i will run out of energy.
if you come to the gig say hello. you will recognise me because i am 16 inches high and i have a button for one eye (the other eye is quite starey and you cant miss it). i may also have a small camera phone.
ps. dont touch or i will bite.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
fantastic
Category: Marketing
today i got an email from a nice lady who has bought one of my tshirts. she looks very happy in the photo because she got her tshirt in special bear packaging (that is mainly brown paper and string and a potato print of my head that is designed to reinforce my brand). if anyone else wants to be as happy as this lady they should also buy a tshirt. then they will be happy.ps. buy merchandise.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
lost
Category: Copyright
today i am bit moody because i forgot to video the episode of lost last night so i didnt get to find out about the teddy i saw in the trailer. if anyone knows what happened with the bear (i dont care about the rest of the programme) or if they have pictures please let me know. you can comment on this blog or use email or write a letter or shout loudly up the chimney. that last way wont let me know about the bear but it will scare the pigeons and that would make me laugh if i could laugh (but i cant).
the reason i did not remember to video lost was because alice was playing a fun game in bed. she made tunnels under the duvet and pretended we were in the arctic and i was a polar bear and she had to hide from me. i had to roam the tunnels trying to find her and she had to escape. i searched for two and a half hours and four minutes but i could not find her. during the game i heard the front door bang but i did not allow myself to be distracted from the fun game that alice wanted to play.
eventually alice pulled the duvet off the bed and said that she had won. she is the best at playing hide and seek.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
pills thrills and trips to the chemist
Category: Pharmaceuticals
alice needs to go to the shops today to get some more pills because she has run out and she says that if she doesnt get any more soon she will go spare. i have to stay at home but that is ok because sometimes i need my space. alice is very needy but i dont mind looking after her because i love her and i know what she needs and she is good in her heart even though she gets grumpy a lot and sometimes says things that she doesnt mean like you bloody bear why cant you leave me alone i need someone real to share my life with and you always get in the way you are evil and i am desolate.
i think lost is on tv tonight. i dont watch rubbish tv programs unless alice does but tonight i am looking forward to it because i saw a trailer and there was a teddy bear in it and he looked quite good. i still think that lost is a big waste of time and is frankly typical of todays lazy programming.
i have to go now. the toast is burning.
Monday, May 22, 2006
sell sell sell
Category: Mass Media Consumerism
i have had a busy weekend because i had to package lots of tshirts to send to nice people who are my real friends and who have bought my merchandise. i had to hide my operation from alice because she would want to know how i managed to sell tshirts on the internet without access to the internet.
it was fun to make up parcels because i avoided the mistake i sometimes make of using sticky tape. with furry paws and no thumbs (or fingers) sticky tape can get quite tricky to handle so instead i used brown paper and string to make the the parcels. and i made a printing stamp out of a potato to print my head on the parcel. that is called branding and it is important because other businesses like coca cola and mcdonalds and cheese strings use branding to sell lots of things and make lots of money.
i dont think my stamp is very good and also i forgot that you have to make the stamp backwards. that is why my staring eye is on the wrong side and the button doesnt really look like a button. and why my head doesnt look like my head.
i have put a picture of a small pile of parcels here so you can see what to expect if you buy my merchandise. actually this is a lie because you will only get the extra special ted packaging service if you tell me you want to buy something. if you buy from the website you will get a boring package from america that is made of plastic (the package not america although maybe america is plastic. i have not been so i can not know.) you might see that i have cunningly masked the address label to protect the privacy of my customers including richard watson from the north end tavern in worcester park surrey kt4.
someone is coming. i have to go now.
Friday, May 19, 2006
crystal balls
Category: Occult
i can see big bosoms in my future. the tits of death are doing a gig next week on friday and i am going. i am their bodyguard although i think the novelty has worn off for them because i sent them an email yesterday and they have not replied. i think that they are famous now and have changed. maybe they dont need me anymore. that is ok because alice is my primary objective but i am not a robot from the future so i am confused sometimes.
in a few days i will have been writing my internet diary for two months. maybe this is exciting but frankly i am underwhlemed. the people who write to me are sometimes kind but usually weird (by definition because writing to a pretend bear is a strange thing to do) and sometimes they are basically mad.
yesterday i put some moss in my head to fill in a gap where some stuffing was missing. i think there was a shield bug in the moss because it climbed out of my half-ear last night. alice was grossed out. but then she tickled my tum and it was ok.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
tshirts and gstrings
Category: Captitalism and the Working Bear
today is an exciting day because i have sold lots of tshirts. some companies might think that ten tshirts is small potatoes but to a bear like me that is lots and it will take me ages to pack them and send them in the post. also i am going to use potatoes to do potato prints on the packaging (brown paper with hairy brown string) so that the nice people who have bought my merchandise will know that i care about them.
i will also include a secret special extra surprise present. this is likely to be an acorn or a leaf or a stone or a marshmallow or a piece of toast. you might think that i am joking but i am not. order a tshirt from my shop and you will see how mental mental ted is. the present is not free though. you have to pay special bear tax on every purchase (zero percent so actually customs can suck a fart out of my fuzzzy little arse).
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
sorry
Category: Null
i am very sorry that i was so bad yesterday. alice thinks i am recalcitrant but i am not and anyway i dont know what recalcitrant means but if she says i am then maybe she is right but sorry for saying fucking and cunt and shit and wardrobe.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
hide and seek
Category: Controlling Relationships
today i have been naughty. alice decided that although i am nice and clean and smell nice she still wanted to put me in the fucking laundry basket. well that is not what i want so i went on the rampage and pulled all the sheets off her bed and put shit on them from the toilet and called 999 and screamed at the lady who said what service do you require and called her a cunt and then I scuttled under the wardrobe and laughed and laughed and laughed until someone came to the door of alices house and then i was as quiet as a mouse.
Monday, May 15, 2006
the answer is blowing in the wind
Category: Hair styles
today i have been hanging on the line. although i smell nice and clean i have been very bored and also i know that some of my stuffing has come out. if you find any of it please let me know because i am a bit floppy at the moment. the plus side is that yoga is easy but the down side is that typing and holding my head up and sticking my nose into things is tricky.
sometimes i wish alice would sew me up properly but she is not any better with a needle and thread than when she was ten and she didnt drink or smoke then either. and her eyesight is not as good as it was but dont tell anyone because that is a sign of getting old. and grey hairs.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
sunday morning
Category: Urban Wildlife
today is sunday and it is the morning and i have been for a long walk all night looking for alice. i could not find her and i sat under a skip in the dark to think about where she might be. and then a fox did a wee on me and later i stepped in a cat poo. and then it rained. i didnt have my sowester so i got very wet and now i smell very bad.
when i got home this morning alice was already there and clean and nice and eating rice crispies. she looked happy but when she smelled me she made a stern face and said you know what to do ted. then she pointed at the washing machine.
these may be my last words. i have to go now. for a wash.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
b.i. (bear intelligence)
Category: Lost Property
today i have watched a.i. artificial intelligence and it was a very good film and my favourite bits where when teddy was looking for david and said wheres david? do you know where david is? can you help me find david? i have to find david. are you taking me to david?
then the man he is talking to puts him in a box of lost property but david is in danger so ted gets out of the box and saves david and then david finds his mummy and david and his mummy die and ted sits down on their death bed and guards their souls for eternity.
i think this is the very best kind of story because it has a brave bear who looks after his owner and the bear is patient and nice but also snarls at a lady and also he is faithful and loyal. i am smaller than this teddy so i have to be more aggressive and also i am not a robot so i am not programmed with asimovs three laws of robotics so i can hurt people if necessary. now i am going to find pete because alice will be there and i have to look after her.
boring meditation
Category: Narcolepsy
oh no! it is now saturday and i have been asleep under the stairs for a day and a half. i had fallen asleep because i was meditating and meditation is boring and sometimes it makes me itchy but that could be fleas even though i am not a real bear and dont have blood which is what fleas drink to stay alive.
i have looked everywhere for alice but she is not at home and i remember now that she has gone to petes house and i dont know where he lives. if i become much more anxious i will visit yell.com and try to look him up. and google earth is good too because then i can see where alice is and also the pyramids and everest and slough.
in the mean time i will watch a dvd to calm me down. i have not seen the one called ai yet so i will watch that. also it is on the floor where i can reach it and all the other dvds are on a shelf.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
monsters and small bosoms
Category: Myths and Mythology
alice has been reading the newspapers all day and has been loudly saying how she wants to move house and that it will be better somewhere else with new people and without some people and who could she mean by that? maybe the monsters are getting to her.
it took her ages to get past them yesterday. she only managed to get in after one monster accidentally prised open a window and she managed to clamber in. the first thing she did was turn off the cd player. it is probably just as well because it was getting quite hot and the weather is very sunny so we dont need the heating on at the moment particularly because british gas has put its prices up and that is outrageous. the price guarantee deal is a scam too. so is council tax.
alice has warned me that she will be away this weekend and i wont be going with her in the duffel bag or in her pocket and not even stuffed up her jumper although she doesnt have big bosoms and actually they are more like bee stings. i think she is going to see pete but i have not met pete and i am worried about alice.
i will sit under the stairs for exactly forty five minutes and meditate. maybe things will seem clearer and easier and less mean then.
bye. ted.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
them
Category: Mental Health Issues
just because youre paranoid doesnt mean that there arent evil monsters hiding under the bed. well there arent any hiding under alices bed because thats where i am and there arent any there except maybe me. there is also a lot of dust and a plate with crusty beans on it and some green and some old pants that i wondered where they were. i would tell alice off for not tidying up but at the moment i am hiding because the monsters are outside.
it is ok though because i have taken extra special security measures to stop them coming in. i have put matchsticks and glue in all the locks and bashed a few nails into the window frames. i am not good at hammering but i tried and thats the main thing. when alice gets back from the shops i will protect her although i havent worked out how i am going to let her in.
i am also trying to drive away the monsters by playing one of alices sisters of mercy cds very very very very very loudly. i think one of the speakers is enjoying it because it is flapping and making clapping noises. i can hear the monsters are not enjoying it because some are banging on the windows and using bad words. i am a cunning bear.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
nasty wasps
Category: DIY
today was a nice sunny day and i decided to work in the garden. alice did some gardening last week and so there was lots to do to make it better.
i found some honey in the kitchen and painted the fence. i can only reach two feet high without a step ladder so now a small part of the fence is nice and sticky. i could not clean the paint brush properly so i have hidden it under alices pillow.
this story has a scary part though. when i was painting some wasps came and bothered me. i dont like wasps because sometimes they sting and if you are allergic your arms and legs can swell up and your eyes can look like mine and your tongue can go blue and they are yellow and black with see through wings.
wasps cant sting me but i still ran around in the garden angering them. i lured most of them into the fridge. alice will be pleased that they are not outside bothering her when she drinks some pimms and lemonde at seven fifteen pm in a deckchair. the drink will be nice and cool because i have already put the lemonde in the fridge.
Monday, May 08, 2006
its raining its pouring
Category: Sad Bears
hello. today i am sad. lots of things have gone wrong today and i dont know what to do. nothing. nothing. nothing. it is all black.
a nice lady called imogen wrote to me and said some nice things and that cheered me up. also she wrote me a poem and i asked if i could put it here and she said yes and she will write another poem and retire on the profits and live in minsmere which lies on the suffolk coast between southwold and aldeburgh below dunwich cliffs. it is accessible from westleton village to the west or east bridge to the south from both of which places it is signposted. here is the poem.
Ted,
Ted,
With the sewn up head,
What happens when you're caught in the rain?
basically the answer is that i get soggy and mushy and it gets hard to move when i get wet. that is why i always wear a bright yellow sowester when i go out in the rain but usually if i go out i stay in the back garden because if people see me they shout and throw things.
bye. ted.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
pete
Category: Romance and Relationships
alice says she has a boyfriend. his name is pete and he is a friend of a friend of a friend. he is a boy so naturally i am suspicious. that is why she has been away. she has been to a party and then she went for a walk with pete (for two days).
pete has got a tattoo and he is big and alice is very happy. that is according to alice but she does not always make sense and maybe petes nose is big or his ears but alice didnt say which.
it is only a matter of time before pete comes to stay. i know this because when alice liked steve he came to stay but also steve went away. thats boys for you.
alice says that one day she will be rid of all the problems that she has to bear and that was a sort of joke. she is funny. i love her.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
naughty alice
Category: Binge Drinking
i am very cross and very relieved. alice is home. if she was a bear cub and i was a real bear and her mum i would nip her gently to let her know she has been naughty. she is very tired and went straight to bed although she had a shower first and put her dress in the washing machine. i made sure i didnt get put in there at the same time.
when she got home she saw me at the window and jumped and said almost exactly the same bad words that the postman said. that is very interesting i think. i also think alice will tell me what has happened later. in the mean time i will make sure that things are nice for her when she wakes up. if i make things nice maybe she wont leave me on my own again and i can look after her. i will root around in the garden and dig up some bulbs for her tea.
alice in her party dress
Category: Missing Persons
today i have been very busy and anxiously worried and i know that this is a tautology but i dont care because alice is missing and she didnt come home on thursday or friday and today is saturday. she went out to see friends and she wore her nice party dress and took some wine.
when the postman came to the door (at 11am which is very late and a sure sign that the postal service is going to the dogs (no offense hinges)) he saw me with my nose pressed against the living room window and jumped and said some very bad words. i stayed very still and he put some letters and rubbish through the letter box and walked away. i wish he had been alice. i will stay with my nose pressed against the window until alice comes home. i have to go now. noone is coming.
Friday, May 05, 2006
disturbing development
Category: Teddy Bears
have you seen this? it is very very very bad and makes me cross. where is the humanity? the horror...this is what the web page says.
IMABARI, Ehime -- A paint firm here is hoping to add color to wedding receptions in Japan with a new device it has jointly developed -- a gun-shaped party cracker that shoots out a teddy bear.
Sunamiya, a paint firm based in Imabari, Ehime Prefecture, announced the development of the device, which blasts a teddy bear equipped with a parachute into the air. The teddy bear parachutes down afterwards.
my fragile mind reels. ted.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
agent orange
Category: Alan Titchmarsh
today is another lovely day and i am extra happy because alice is not in bed and she is in the garden cutting up plants and trying to make things look nice. this usually means that the garden will look like mordor in about three hours and fourteen minutes. i am watching from the kitchen door but i dont want to go outside where there are sharp things.
alan titchmarsh can do gardening. i wonder if he is related to jodie marsh.tonight will be quiet because alice is going out with some friends she hasnt seen for ages and its about time i had a life rather than being cooped up in this bloody house. she will buy some wine and go out at six twenty one pm which will be twenty one minutes later than she planned. i will guard the house and stop burglars and stalkers and boys.
i will sit at the living room window with my nose pressed against the glass waiting for her to come home. i hope she will be alright.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
bear faq part one
Category: Bears
today i have written some of my faq. maybe later i will put it together in one place. that way you can all know about me and not ask the same questions. i dont mind answering questions but i dont want you to waste your bandwidth (i dont know what that means).
1. are you a real bear?
no i am not a real bear. i am a stuffed toy but sometimes some of my stuffing comes out so i am loosely stuffed really.
2. do you have a tail?
yes i have a tail. it is stubby and maybe stubbly because i am quite worn.
3. how old are you?
this is a complicated question. if there was a wikipedia page about me i am sure lots of people would argue about this one. i think i am 33 but i might be a bit older. also i only woke up 23 years ago so if you judge age by experience then i am 23.
4. can you eat and drink?
no. i am a stuffed toy (see 1.)
5. are you machine washable?
technically. i dont really like to think about this.
6. why is one of your eyes a button?
one of my eyes is a button because i lost one ages ago.
7. who is alice?
this faq is about me. i might do one about alice later.
8. are you mental?
yes. have you seen the state of me?
9. do you love alice?
yes. (i put that question in but i dont know why)
10. can you fly?
only when someone throws me. i hate it.
that is all for now. if i think of any more questions or if you write to me at ted@mentalted.com and ask then i will write some more.
it is tea time now so i have to do some yoga and sit with alice when she watches buffy the vampire slayer dvds.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
famous mental ted
Category: Internet celebrity
today i found out that lots of people are reading this diary and also they are visiting my website. so far noone has bought a mental ted gstring but the tshirts are going like hot cakes. if i am being realistic it quite likely that alice will find out about my little scheme soon so i had better think up some excuses. any ideas will be welcomed.
Here is a reason why alice will find out. if you google for mental ted (but use quote marks because otherwise you get rubbish) i am at the top of the list. this is very exciting and when i found out my tail went odd. by the way i have a tail but you might not know that. it is stubby.
Monday, May 01, 2006
matches matches never touch
Category: Scottish independence
today is lovely and sunny and i am sitting at the window in alices bedroom basking in the sun. dont worry i will not fade because my fur is fade proof.
in one of alices favourite films there is a cool baddie called the kurgen and he licks a nun and says it is better to burn out than to fade away. alice likes that bit and always crys when the scottish lady goes grey and dies. she is called blossom and the film is called highlander.
i will probably not burn out or fade away because of my fade proof fur and also i am flame retardant. that is just as well because alice has tried to set me on fire accidentally a few times now.
