Thursday, September 28, 2006

 

bitches!

Current mood: complacent
Category: Love and Romance

today i got an email from my friend hinges. hinges is a dog and in may he fell in love with a girl dog (she is a bitch) called pie. but today he has told me that she has dumped him by text whatever that means. he is sad and so i sent him some advice that i think is good. it is private advice so i have posted it on the blog that hinges writes (i wanted to say hinges' blog but i try to avoid punctuation wherever possible). i have also written the same thing here so you wont have to invade the privacy of hinges by visiting his secret blog at myspace.

hello hinges. i got your message today and it said that pie had dumped you and that she is a bitch (literally) and you asked if i have ever had a girlfriend. i have not because there is only room in the space where my heart should be for alice. and a little bit of stuffing. but that will not stop me giving advice.

dont feel sad my doggy friend. remember that love is just a chemical madness induced by a number of factors. these factors include shallow physical attributes that indicate fecundity and health. the effects of this hormonal soup cause irrational thought and actions but eventually it wears off and if you have not built a deeper bond with your partner you will split up. also i would like to point out that they are all whores.

i hope that consoles you in this upsetting time. im off to check out a pile of leaves at the bottom of the garden. if you want to pop over and play you are welcome. just please dont wee on me this time.

bye. ted.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

 

killer!

Current mood: scared
Category: Killer Bears

today i learned some sad and shocking news and it is that bears can kill. i dont mean the big musty ones that have paws the size of dustbin lids (they are cool) but teddy bears. teddy bears like me. the news comes from america which is a big country with no friends (even on myspace. visit http://www.myspace.com/america if you dont believe me.)


anyway i am not concerned with america apart from its foreign policy and domestic policy and hamburger guzzling policy. i am concerned about this news story. the headline is Killer teddy bear leaves 2,500 fish dead. i pasted that from the webpage so any mistakes or capital letters are not my fault.

if you read the story you will see that a small bear was dressed in a yellow raincoat and hat. you might know that i wear a yellow sowester when it rains and when i have to go out and also when i go in the shower. but i do not wear a coat because my sowester is big enough to cover most of me anyway.

i feel sad for this bear because it is probably worried about its owner who is probably a small boy or girl or a grown up who accidentally dropped it. alice sometimes accidentally drops me in dark wet lonely places but i always find my way home and surprise her. i can hear her coming up the stairs now so i must go. i am supposed to be organising her cd collection in order of smell.

Monday, September 18, 2006

 

giant alert

Current mood: astonised
Category: The paranormal

today the news in the papers and on the tv is boring but look what i found in the paper hidden near the back. it is amazing news and i dont know why nobody is paying attention. they have found a real life giant person who is the size of a house or maybe even bigger. basically king kong with no hair or less hair or with a different leg to arm ratio. anyway if you dont believe me here is a picture.

so you can see that this person must be massive. i would also like to point out how brave that bear must be. maybe the giant is scared that the bear will bite him (actually he needs to cut his finger nails so maybe the bear could help).

i am so shocked that i cant bring myself to read the caption to this story. maybe i will later. until then i am off to look for bits of pottery in the flower beds.


Saturday, September 16, 2006

 

dancing bear

Current mood: gloomy
Category: dance and personal expression

today i saw a song on the internet that i thought would be nice. it is by my friends and they are called north sea navigator and one of them is a lady with a giant violin and another one is a boy who sings and sounds sad most of the time.


the song is called dancing bear and i thought that it would be jolly and would cheer me up. i have been feeling a bit floppy recently because i have been worried (by a fox). the naughty fox worried and shook me until some of my stuffing came out. i had to bite him very hard before he went away. and now i am missing some stuffing but anyway i digress and most of you know that it unusual for me because i am so focussed but anyway i digress.

i was wrong about being cheered up by this song because it sounds sad and although i dont understand a word of it there was a bit about a coat and something about the body not giving in (i know that sometimes it does so this is not entirely an accurate representation of the human condition but maybe it is not supposed to be). there was a good bit though that went dance dance dance dancing bear.

i will spend the rest of the afternoon dancing on alices bed. it is now after midday. maybe if i dance lots she will get up.

Friday, September 15, 2006

 

tony blair and gordon brown

Current mood: investigative
Category: politics

i read a news story on the bbc website that said that gordon brown (he is the man who looks after all the money in england and scotland and wales and a bit of ireland but that is another story) is friends with tony blair (he is the boss of everyone in the countries i have mentioned above). well he might say that but i looked and found tony blairs myspace page and he does not seem to list gordon as one of his friends and so that is a mystery and maybe someone is lying. or maybe myspace is full of liars but who can know?


also can i just say that there is a very gay quote in that story. it says

Asked if the meeting had been friendly, Mr Darling replied: "Absolutely. We're always very friendly."

Thursday, September 14, 2006

 

fuzzy wuzzy

Current mood: tuneful
Category: nursery rhymes

i know a little song that i like to sing to myself when i am rooting around in the garden or exploring corners in the house or making bad boys go away. i hum it to myself quietly and the end bit always makes me laugh on the inside. i cannot laugh on the outside because i am a stuffed bear for gods sake. here is how it goes.


fuzzy wuzzy woz a bear
fuzzy wuzzy had no hair
so fuzzy wuzzy wuznt fuzzy
woz 'e

please note that i had to make an extra effort to put in that apostrophe. normally i wouldnt bother but it is supposed to denote a silent h and nothing else i tried worked and in the end it was a matter of swings and roundabouts and six of one and half a dozen of the other and anyway i cant spend all day writing to you so i will go now. bye.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

 

supernanny

Current mood: contrite
Category: bear care

last night alice put on the tv and watched supernanny and jojo said that the childrens behaviour was unacceptable but she said it funny like unasseptable and also she said that their dad was flying off the angle and i dont know what that means but he looked like a bald gorilla anyway.


alice says that when im naughty she should put me on the naughty step but actually she puts me in the laundry basket with her smelly pants and socks and bras. actually she does not wash her bra very often and sometimes does not wear one and she says it is because she does not exactly have massive boobs anyway so it doesnt matter. but i saw a programme on tv about it and you can stretch your tendons if you dont wear a bra so i will have to remind her every day.

lots of people on myspace keep asking me to be their friend but i am fearful of talking to strangers and especially ones that want to befriend an online cartoon representation of a psychotic teddy bear. however today i did make friends with julianne regan from all about eve and now we are friends i will send her presents like an acorn i found the other day or an old marshmallow or a button or some other treat that i find on my expeditions. actually i sent her a message saying all that so that is nearly as good.

i wish i could tell alice i am friends with julianne regan because alice always listened to all about eve when she was about 18. i cannot tell her though because i am not allowed to use the internet. i guess that i am rotten to the core.

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