Friday, December 22, 2006
whiskey and wine
Category: Alcohol Abuse
it is christmas time and that means whiskey and wine. and some pudding. and some sick usually if the gutters are anything to go by at this time of year. yesterday i saw a dead mouse in the gutter near some sick and i thought that in csi they would have a theory and so this is my theory.
a man or lady has had too much alcohol to drink and has done some sick in the gutter. a small mouse was running nearby and was grossed out by the sick and died from being so grossed out by the sick. that is my theory.
there is probably a more accurate analysis but no one has told it to me yet and so i have to go with the best available theory and that is like evolution or relativity because no one knows if they are right but they are the most feasible options right now in human knowledge and all that. relativity is wrong by the way but dont ask me to explain why. it is to do with angels and interdimensional vortexes but that is all i am allowed to say.
merry christmas everyone. if you are with friends then be nice and dont put holly up each others bottoms. if you are alone then dont play with yourself in a rude way too much because it is the birthday of jesus and he would not like it.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
it is late
Category: Myths and Mythology
i am so very tired tonight. so very tired. even my stuffing aches. i have spent all day wrapping presents and that might sound like i have lots of presents to wrap but you try using sellotape and scissors without fingers. in the end i could not be arsed to put a bow on the presents. think about it.
actually i only have two presents for alice but it has taken me ages to wrap them (one is a grubby marshmallow i found last week and she will be very pleased when she opens it) because i got confused at exactly 2.37pm and 30 seconds and taped myself to the table leg. next year i will buy a tape dispenser.
if i was nigella lawson i would give you more of a lecture about what you should do and how you should do it and how you will make everyone happy if you drown sprouts in gallons of wine and store it in the garden. but there are foxes in the garden and they eat everything and do wees on stuff (including some bears) so if i were you i would keep your christmas food in the fridge. that is my yuletide tip for you all. it is a good one.
bye and have a nice christmas.
ps. santa might come down your chimney soon so here is another yuletide tip. keep a canister of mapp gas near the chimney and toast his feet when he appears. he is a scary bastard.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
ted and alice
Category: Light Entertainment
i have been writing my diary for nine months now and so far lots of people have written to me saying nice things and some have been strange and a bit creepy but actually i am quite fierce actually so i can cope actually.
so far no one has confused me and alice with another ted and alice but just in case that happens i want to state for the record that i am a bear and alice is a nice girl who smells nice. she is not fat and short and i am not tall and thin. with these facts in mind there should be no confusing us with another ted and alice who you can see here and they are on tv. clearly they are not a psychotic teddy bear and a pale girl with long black hair and doc martens boots. and doctor martin is another tv show so please dont get confused about that as well.
that is all for now. it is nearly christmas by the way. how exciting. it is nearly time to set my santa traps but i will explain about that later.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
he is coming
Category: Urban Legends
last night i was dragging out the rubbish to put in the bin. this takes me ages because i like to drag each piece of rubbish out of the kitchen bin and across the living room floor and out of the front door and down the drive and then i have to climb the big wheelie bin and then put the rubbish in there. usually i do this when it is dark so people can not see me (i am a fright). also i dont like people especially boys. some dogs are nice though but foxes sometimes try to wee on me.
last night was cold and dark and when i was outside i saw a terrible thing. it was so scary that i dropped the rubbish (it was some old fish fingers that alice left under the bed for about three and a half months and twenty seconds) and scuttled inside. before i did i took a picture with my trusty mobile phone. this is called evidence and i know about that because i watch csi with alice but not the miami one because the short ginger man makes me angry. here is my evidence.
this christmas i am going to take extra security measures because there are some mental people out there.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
ten days til christmas
Category: Commercialisation Of Religion
i fell asleep yesterday so i did not get alice eleven pipers piping and that is probably just as well because all that pipe smoke would get into the curtains and that will never do because it makes the place stink and its all very well for smokers but everyone else has to put up with their filthy habit.
anyway today i need to find ten leaping lords. i wish i had thought this project through more thoroughly before i started it. i am a bit stuck now. maybe if i watch some silly videos on youtube i will get an idea. i am not very hopeful.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
twelve days til christmas (part one or part twelve depending on how you look at it)
Category: Christmas Traditions
alice is not really in the christmas mood yet. she is in bed and it is light outside and she is listening to a boring news program on the radio and her toast has gone cold and she ought to have a shower and play with me. instead i have to entertain myself and that is easy when there is so much to do.
for example i am going to count the days until christmas using the song the twelve days of christmas. the twelve days of christmas are supposed to be the twelve days after christmas eve but that is boring because everyone knows that the best bit is when you put up the decorations and open the advent calendar and get excited about the presents you are going to get (i was a present to alice once when she was very small but i dont remember being unwrapped). when alice was very small she would sometimes get so excited that she would feel sick. i love christmas. and alice.
anyway i am going to count the twelve days until christmas because that is more exciting. and today is the twelfth day until christmas so i need to get alice (who i love) a present. the song says it needs to be twelve drummers drumming. i am glad that there is only one twelfth day because twelve and twelfth are hard to remember how to spell. i dont think that i am going to be able to get twelve drummers and anyway they would probably be boys and i dont trust them so i will have to do something else.
this is the first line of the song that alice can sing this year.
one the twelfth day of christmas
my teddy gave to me
twelve chicken drumsticks
(from the bins around the back of kfc. there is nothing wrong with them. actually there is nothing more wrong with them than if you buy them from the front in my opinion.)
now i will go out and forage for spicy battered chicken parts. alice will like these. tonight i will have to think about what to get her tomorrow. this is very exciting.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
alice seems pleased with her new advent calendar. it is a bit crinkled because it was raining when i got it and there wasnt room for me and the advent calendar under my yellow sowester so i had to drag it home. and that is why it is crinkled and im sorry ok but i am only small and anyway if you want a better calendar why dont you go and get one yourself you lazy worthless ragdoll.
now it is the weekend (i wrote this at the weekend but forgot to make it go on the internet) it is time to do some christmas baking. as you can probably imagine (that is empathy) it is not easy to handle dough and mince meat and brillo pads when you are made of cloth and stuffing. brillo pads are extra dangerous. if you get the pink stuff on you then you will die instantly.
my solution is to use yellow rubber gloves. these are a bit big so if i cut off two fingers from a large pair i can squeeze a paw into each and then i wont get wet stuffing or catch cancer.
i am going to make mince pies today. i saw a programme on tv last year and there was a hippy called hugh something who makes mad food and he said that in the olden days mince pies had real mince in them and they were savoury. that is what i am going to make. the ingredients are as follows.
1lb mince meat (i dont know what meat yet. i will check the mouse traps before i decide.)
some onions (i dont know how many so i will use lots just in case.)
some pastry? im getting a bit out of my depth here
eggs marmalade milk marmite butter and a sprig of holly.