Mental Ted
Sunday, April 30, 2006
reefer madness
Current mood: wired
Category: Recreational drugs
lots of people send me messages. most of the time they send them to me at myspace but i dont like myspace because it has lots of weird people who are sad and hide this by pretending to be mad to make people like them. i think it would be easier if everyone sent me messages using email. do you know what my email address is? it is easy to guess. it is ted@mentalted.com. email me with a question and i will try to answer it.
here is an email that a sad person sent me on myspace. he says he is into drugs and i can not know if this is true but he still looks silly. here is how our email conversation went.
from chris: are you really mental, mental ted, or would you prefer to be called mentally challenged. from reefer_man1, new user.
from ted: my name is ted. if you want to know why i am called mental ted on the internet you should read my blog. it will be very clear why. bye. ted.
from chris: ok dont get strest
from ted: i am not stressed. this is the way i talk or write or otherwise communicate. i am a mental teddy bear. what else do you expect? bye. ted.
from chris: ok you got me but if i wos a teddy bear i wud have to be the dope one cus i am to stond for being menta ted
as you can see drugs are bad. alice has been taking some since our adventure to the smelly place. if she does not get out of bed soon i will put them in the toilet so she will be better.
Category: Recreational drugs
lots of people send me messages. most of the time they send them to me at myspace but i dont like myspace because it has lots of weird people who are sad and hide this by pretending to be mad to make people like them. i think it would be easier if everyone sent me messages using email. do you know what my email address is? it is easy to guess. it is ted@mentalted.com. email me with a question and i will try to answer it.
here is an email that a sad person sent me on myspace. he says he is into drugs and i can not know if this is true but he still looks silly. here is how our email conversation went.
from chris: are you really mental, mental ted, or would you prefer to be called mentally challenged. from reefer_man1, new user.
from ted: my name is ted. if you want to know why i am called mental ted on the internet you should read my blog. it will be very clear why. bye. ted.
from chris: ok dont get strest
from ted: i am not stressed. this is the way i talk or write or otherwise communicate. i am a mental teddy bear. what else do you expect? bye. ted.
from chris: ok you got me but if i wos a teddy bear i wud have to be the dope one cus i am to stond for being menta ted
as you can see drugs are bad. alice has been taking some since our adventure to the smelly place. if she does not get out of bed soon i will put them in the toilet so she will be better.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
contact the bear
Current mood: communicative
Category: IT infrastructure
alice is still in bed because she is a lazy sausage. she is watching tv and is being boring and wont play with me. i bring her toast and honey. i have to be careful not to get sticky because we all know what that means.
i have been thinking and i think that on the internet people ask the same questions again and again. they ask about computers and boyfriends and hamster breeding. to answer their questions other people who know about ip addresses and sexual pyschology and rodent husbandry (these are all words i have got from the internet) write answers on a web page called an faq and that stands for frequently asked questions. it is important because otherwise these clever people would always get asked the same questions and they would get cross and start to make no sense and say things like rtfm afaik lol. they might go mental.
i am going to write a mental ted faq. if there are any questions you want to ask please do. send them to ted@mentalted.com. bye. ted.
Category: IT infrastructure
alice is still in bed because she is a lazy sausage. she is watching tv and is being boring and wont play with me. i bring her toast and honey. i have to be careful not to get sticky because we all know what that means.
i have been thinking and i think that on the internet people ask the same questions again and again. they ask about computers and boyfriends and hamster breeding. to answer their questions other people who know about ip addresses and sexual pyschology and rodent husbandry (these are all words i have got from the internet) write answers on a web page called an faq and that stands for frequently asked questions. it is important because otherwise these clever people would always get asked the same questions and they would get cross and start to make no sense and say things like rtfm afaik lol. they might go mental.
i am going to write a mental ted faq. if there are any questions you want to ask please do. send them to ted@mentalted.com. bye. ted.
Friday, April 28, 2006
milk that was not spilled
Current mood: intolerant
Category: Dairy product distribution
today is a good day because we have gone home and home does not smell of nasty things and it is safe for alice. also i am allowed out of the duffel bag at home. alice is very quiet and that is a sign that she is tired or cross or sad. i will find out later. she has already gone to bed but it is only lunchtime. i will make her some tea as a treat but the milk in the fridge is nasty.
alice does not like nasty milk so when she was asleep i went out to get some from mr jolli at the newspaper and sweets shop. he also sells fags but they smell bad and make your insides run. i had to go in disguise and i went as a very short child in a scary bear costume. (i am under no illusions about my freakish appearance.)
some boys shouted and threw stones. i had to hide. luckily i did not spill the milk or i could not make alice her tea and there would have been some crying (from the boys). i do not cry or laugh because i am a stuffed bear called ted.
Category: Dairy product distribution
today is a good day because we have gone home and home does not smell of nasty things and it is safe for alice. also i am allowed out of the duffel bag at home. alice is very quiet and that is a sign that she is tired or cross or sad. i will find out later. she has already gone to bed but it is only lunchtime. i will make her some tea as a treat but the milk in the fridge is nasty.
alice does not like nasty milk so when she was asleep i went out to get some from mr jolli at the newspaper and sweets shop. he also sells fags but they smell bad and make your insides run. i had to go in disguise and i went as a very short child in a scary bear costume. (i am under no illusions about my freakish appearance.)
some boys shouted and threw stones. i had to hide. luckily i did not spill the milk or i could not make alice her tea and there would have been some crying (from the boys). i do not cry or laugh because i am a stuffed bear called ted.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
out and about
Current mood: explorative
Category: Wine appreciation
Today i got up. I really mean i got out. Of the bag. It was very early in the morning so noone was around. Alice was asleep and i sniffed her and she was ok so i went to explore.
Outside alices room there was a white corridor and some wheelchairs and a man in a white dress who was walking slowly and talking loudly. He did a wee on the floor and went away. I sniffed the puddle and it smelled of strawberries and lice. Jilly goulden is a hero of mine. And floyd on food.
A nice lady in pyjamas said hello and said i was billy and have i come to see her. She tried to pick me up but only alice is allowed to pick me up so i went under a bed for a while.
Now i am back in the boring bag. Bye. Ted.
Category: Wine appreciation
Today i got up. I really mean i got out. Of the bag. It was very early in the morning so noone was around. Alice was asleep and i sniffed her and she was ok so i went to explore.
Outside alices room there was a white corridor and some wheelchairs and a man in a white dress who was walking slowly and talking loudly. He did a wee on the floor and went away. I sniffed the puddle and it smelled of strawberries and lice. Jilly goulden is a hero of mine. And floyd on food.
A nice lady in pyjamas said hello and said i was billy and have i come to see her. She tried to pick me up but only alice is allowed to pick me up so i went under a bed for a while.
Now i am back in the boring bag. Bye. Ted.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
bag bear
Current mood: cramped
Category: Attention Deficit Disorder
Today i am stuffed in a duffel bag that is shut tight. Alice said i must stay here so i will. It is dark and smells of biscuits and salt and vinegar crisps and dust. I hate it in here. At least i have my special mobile phone that can do capital letters.
I think we are in a hospital because it also smells of wee poo and savlon. I have a keen nose.
Category: Attention Deficit Disorder
Today i am stuffed in a duffel bag that is shut tight. Alice said i must stay here so i will. It is dark and smells of biscuits and salt and vinegar crisps and dust. I hate it in here. At least i have my special mobile phone that can do capital letters.
I think we are in a hospital because it also smells of wee poo and savlon. I have a keen nose.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
full stop ahead
Current mood: relieved
Category: Punctuation and grammar
Phew. I have found the full stop button on this mobile phone. Also I now know how to choose different spellings using predictive text. I can now tell you that we are on a bus and alice was doing a poo. I think I will wait until after the holiday before I write anymore because these buttons are too small for my mashing soft paws. If something very interesting happens I may send a bear bulletin. Also I am scared about when alice sees the phone bill.
Category: Punctuation and grammar
Phew. I have found the full stop button on this mobile phone. Also I now know how to choose different spellings using predictive text. I can now tell you that we are on a bus and alice was doing a poo. I think I will wait until after the holiday before I write anymore because these buttons are too small for my mashing soft paws. If something very interesting happens I may send a bear bulletin. Also I am scared about when alice sees the phone bill.
Monday, April 24, 2006
txt predictions
Current mood: testy
Category: Failing technology
Hello mental ted here i an on a cup going on holiday and alice is in the toilet doing something that is none me my business why do I have to know everything I think it is a son I am using a mobile phone that has predictive text and so sometimes I can get capital letters but sometimes the spelling goes wrong and I cant find the full stop button for example I am not in an actual cup and alice is not doing a son maybe i should have brought the instructions bye ted
Category: Failing technology
Hello mental ted here i an on a cup going on holiday and alice is in the toilet doing something that is none me my business why do I have to know everything I think it is a son I am using a mobile phone that has predictive text and so sometimes I can get capital letters but sometimes the spelling goes wrong and I cant find the full stop button for example I am not in an actual cup and alice is not doing a son maybe i should have brought the instructions bye ted
Sunday, April 23, 2006
mobile ted
Current mood: vibrant
Category: Mobile communications technology
this week is going to be very exciting and i am going on a trip with alice and we are going to see some things that i dont know yet but when alice packs her suitcase that always means an adventure and i cant wait.
Category: Mobile communications technology
this week is going to be very exciting and i am going on a trip with alice and we are going to see some things that i dont know yet but when alice packs her suitcase that always means an adventure and i cant wait.
the only problem is that alice doesnt take her computer when we go away because it is too big and she is too small to carry it. but my friend mcafrey (who is full of beans but not real ones i think they are plastic) had an idea and last week he ordered some gadgets and now i have a mobile phone with something called predictive text and gprs and that means that i can use the internet outside and probably my punctuation will be better but maybe worse. also it will do capital letters sometimes without using shift so that will be new.
in a day or two i will write this diary using a special mobile phone that will cost alice not too much but i hope she wont find out for a while because i am not allowed to use the internet or her credit card. bye.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
bed ted dead
Current mood: deaf
Category: Music
today alice decided to learn to write songs. she has a guitar that she can plug in but i think there is something wrong with it because it makes bad noises. alice spent all day trying to fix it by making bad noises with the guitar and shouting. i only have one and a half ears but today i wish i had none.
some of her words that are lyrics actually are sad or angry and some dont make sense. for example she makes rubbish rhymes like bed ted and dead. and bled. she should try writing some nice songs about alice and ted and going to the zoo. that would make a nice song.
if alice had a proper job i think she should not hand in her resignation and stick her fingers up at the boss she doesnt have and go postal because she needs some more practice at making music.
Category: Music
today alice decided to learn to write songs. she has a guitar that she can plug in but i think there is something wrong with it because it makes bad noises. alice spent all day trying to fix it by making bad noises with the guitar and shouting. i only have one and a half ears but today i wish i had none.
some of her words that are lyrics actually are sad or angry and some dont make sense. for example she makes rubbish rhymes like bed ted and dead. and bled. she should try writing some nice songs about alice and ted and going to the zoo. that would make a nice song.
if alice had a proper job i think she should not hand in her resignation and stick her fingers up at the boss she doesnt have and go postal because she needs some more practice at making music.
Friday, April 21, 2006
zoo and bears and ice cream
Current mood: musty
Category: Animal Biotechnology
today we went to the zoo. my favourite bit was the bears. they are nice and hairy and smell musty. when noone was looking i clambered into their enclosure but you must not or they will bite you. they sniffed me and i sniffed them back. we did not bite and now i smell musty.
later alice bought some ice cream and she ate it and dropped some on my head. i think that now i will definitely have to go in the washing mashine. also i stepped in some bear poo.
on the train on the way back home alice fell asleep so i guarded her. a man came and said tickets and i nipped him so he went away and we went home and watched some tv. and alice had some chips.
Category: Animal Biotechnology
today we went to the zoo. my favourite bit was the bears. they are nice and hairy and smell musty. when noone was looking i clambered into their enclosure but you must not or they will bite you. they sniffed me and i sniffed them back. we did not bite and now i smell musty.
later alice bought some ice cream and she ate it and dropped some on my head. i think that now i will definitely have to go in the washing mashine. also i stepped in some bear poo.
on the train on the way back home alice fell asleep so i guarded her. a man came and said tickets and i nipped him so he went away and we went home and watched some tv. and alice had some chips.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
down and up
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Mental health issues
hello. mental ted here. today i am lively and full of beans and ready to bite but actually i am not full of beans i am full of stuffing. full of beans is a figure of speech and is not meant literally and why do i have to be such a stupid bear for christs sake just leave me alone i hate my life.
i do not know about figures of speech but today i am on the rampage and i will get into everything and help alice by tidying up the house when she is out today. alice needs help sometimes because when she is sad or grumpy (which is a lot) she likes to sit in the dark and read books and listen to loud music. cleaning the toilet is not high on her list of priorities.
i dont read books because i am a stuffed bear. also one of my eyes is a button. but i can clean the toilet. i have found a little brush nearby that is just the right size for me to use.
today i am happy and yesterday i was sad. alice says she saw a tv program about this kind of dramatic mood change and that i am a bipolar bear. she laughed and said bipolar bear again. that makes me happy.
Category: Mental health issues
hello. mental ted here. today i am lively and full of beans and ready to bite but actually i am not full of beans i am full of stuffing. full of beans is a figure of speech and is not meant literally and why do i have to be such a stupid bear for christs sake just leave me alone i hate my life.
i do not know about figures of speech but today i am on the rampage and i will get into everything and help alice by tidying up the house when she is out today. alice needs help sometimes because when she is sad or grumpy (which is a lot) she likes to sit in the dark and read books and listen to loud music. cleaning the toilet is not high on her list of priorities.
i dont read books because i am a stuffed bear. also one of my eyes is a button. but i can clean the toilet. i have found a little brush nearby that is just the right size for me to use.
today i am happy and yesterday i was sad. alice says she saw a tv program about this kind of dramatic mood change and that i am a bipolar bear. she laughed and said bipolar bear again. that makes me happy.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
quiet and sleepy
Current mood: tired
Category: REM
today was quiet and i had a sleep. sometimes i am like this and barely raise my snout from under alices quilt. i dont really want to tell anything else. i feel quite sad.
Category: REM
today was quiet and i had a sleep. sometimes i am like this and barely raise my snout from under alices quilt. i dont really want to tell anything else. i feel quite sad.
the nice girls in tits of death have a gig tonight and i should go (i am their bodyguard) but i cant. i hope they will be ok. alice will be home soon and she will have some tea and watch tv. i love her.
maybe tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
an unexpected adventure
Current mood: tired
Category: Bear traps
i have just got home and alice is in the bath so i can write about what has happened. i have been away on a mission. on sunday we had an easter egg hunt.
alice is usually rubbish at hiding things but i could not find any of the eggs that she put in secret places. later i found a trail of shiny paper that went out of the door and into a big box. the box was open and had a stick holding it open. some string was attached to the stick but i did not know where the string went. instead i went hunting eggs.
inside the box was stuffy and even more stuffy when the stick fell over and i got stuck inside. then a silly person (i dont know who) picked up the box and jiggled me around a bit. then i dont know what happened for ages.
it took me all night and most of the day to get home from john o groats. i found an old coat and pretended to be a child. luckily i found a taxi that would take me. the taxi man flinched when he saw me probably because i am a fright but when i pointed to the map and at where alice lives (in london) he stopped flinching and started to drive.
alice still has not found the eggs i have hidden. she will laugh when she sees how clever i am at hiding them and that i have come home after an adventure.
Category: Bear traps
i have just got home and alice is in the bath so i can write about what has happened. i have been away on a mission. on sunday we had an easter egg hunt.
alice is usually rubbish at hiding things but i could not find any of the eggs that she put in secret places. later i found a trail of shiny paper that went out of the door and into a big box. the box was open and had a stick holding it open. some string was attached to the stick but i did not know where the string went. instead i went hunting eggs.
inside the box was stuffy and even more stuffy when the stick fell over and i got stuck inside. then a silly person (i dont know who) picked up the box and jiggled me around a bit. then i dont know what happened for ages.
it took me all night and most of the day to get home from john o groats. i found an old coat and pretended to be a child. luckily i found a taxi that would take me. the taxi man flinched when he saw me probably because i am a fright but when i pointed to the map and at where alice lives (in london) he stopped flinching and started to drive.
alice still has not found the eggs i have hidden. she will laugh when she sees how clever i am at hiding them and that i have come home after an adventure.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
easter egg hunt part two
Current mood: sweet
Category: Religion
alice has gone out to buy chocolate eggs. i will not eat the ones i find because i am a stuffed bear and i dont have a stomach and i would get sticky chocolate in my fur and wasps might get me. i will give them to alice because i love her.
also i will put the ones i have to hide for alice tomorrow on the radiator tonight so that they go nice and then i will put them under the loose corner of the carpet in the bathroom. i dont think alice will find them there. she will have fun in our easter egg hunt.
Category: Religion
alice has gone out to buy chocolate eggs. i will not eat the ones i find because i am a stuffed bear and i dont have a stomach and i would get sticky chocolate in my fur and wasps might get me. i will give them to alice because i love her.
also i will put the ones i have to hide for alice tomorrow on the radiator tonight so that they go nice and then i will put them under the loose corner of the carpet in the bathroom. i dont think alice will find them there. she will have fun in our easter egg hunt.
Friday, April 14, 2006
easter egg hunt part one
Current mood: wily
Category: Religion
it is very exciting because it is easter and alice always buys lots of chocolate and watches movies on tv and sometimes drinks wine and shouts at the tv and walks funny and bumps into things. alice says that later we can have an easter egg hunt and i will hide eggs and she will find them. also she said she will hide eggs and i will have to find them and i must look everywhere for as long as it takes even if it is days and i should not pay attention if anyone comes to stay.
alice is rubbish at hiding things. for example i know where her diary is and her special pants. and a pen that sounds like a bee.
Category: Religion
it is very exciting because it is easter and alice always buys lots of chocolate and watches movies on tv and sometimes drinks wine and shouts at the tv and walks funny and bumps into things. alice says that later we can have an easter egg hunt and i will hide eggs and she will find them. also she said she will hide eggs and i will have to find them and i must look everywhere for as long as it takes even if it is days and i should not pay attention if anyone comes to stay.
alice is rubbish at hiding things. for example i know where her diary is and her special pants. and a pen that sounds like a bee.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
bearglary
Current mood: grrr
Category: Bears
alice showed me todays newspaper because it had a story about a bear. she knows i like these stories about bears. this was a naughty bear that went in someones house. i think it went in because it was attracted by the smell from the bins because as we all know bins smell interesting and if you are a bear you must investigate.
i hope that the bear did not do a poo in the ladys house but i think it probably did. and a wee.
Category: Bears
alice showed me todays newspaper because it had a story about a bear. she knows i like these stories about bears. this was a naughty bear that went in someones house. i think it went in because it was attracted by the smell from the bins because as we all know bins smell interesting and if you are a bear you must investigate.i hope that the bear did not do a poo in the ladys house but i think it probably did. and a wee.
bee stings and a secret
Current mood: playful
Category: Music
last night alice took me to the bee stings gig in london.
i met lots of nice people (girls) and some suspicious characters (boys) and i played with kitty from the tits of death for a while. she was not too scary but a bit scary so i did not need to protect her from boys. someone said that boys need protection from her but that is just silly. she has nice eyes and shoes.
i also met a lady called joy who is an opera singer and very loud and she is nice but also quite fierce. she sang during ninjas versus aliens and was very good.
the bee stings gig was very good and val was very loud and i did a dance although i am only 16 inches tall so no one saw me. alice said that it is a good thing because what would they think? they would think i am a good dancer but alice does not like to be contradicted and i am her bear so i bit someone called chris later and felt better.
i am less suspicious of attila from the bee stings now because he was nice and bought me a smirnoff ice. i am a stuffed bear so i do not eat or drink or laugh but i pretended to drink it and poured it in someones shoe when no one was looking. that is a secret by the way.
Category: Music
last night alice took me to the bee stings gig in london.
i met lots of nice people (girls) and some suspicious characters (boys) and i played with kitty from the tits of death for a while. she was not too scary but a bit scary so i did not need to protect her from boys. someone said that boys need protection from her but that is just silly. she has nice eyes and shoes.
i also met a lady called joy who is an opera singer and very loud and she is nice but also quite fierce. she sang during ninjas versus aliens and was very good.
the bee stings gig was very good and val was very loud and i did a dance although i am only 16 inches tall so no one saw me. alice said that it is a good thing because what would they think? they would think i am a good dancer but alice does not like to be contradicted and i am her bear so i bit someone called chris later and felt better.
i am less suspicious of attila from the bee stings now because he was nice and bought me a smirnoff ice. i am a stuffed bear so i do not eat or drink or laugh but i pretended to drink it and poured it in someones shoe when no one was looking. that is a secret by the way.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
flying
Current mood: elated
Category: Aviation
when alice was a little girl she would pretend to make me fly. sometimes she would lie on her back and hold me up and zoom me around and go nyeargh and then bounce me around a bit. even though she is too old for such silly games now she still pretends to make me fly although it is less about pretending and more about zooming me through the air from the bedroom window into the flower beds.
Category: Aviation
when alice was a little girl she would pretend to make me fly. sometimes she would lie on her back and hold me up and zoom me around and go nyeargh and then bounce me around a bit. even though she is too old for such silly games now she still pretends to make me fly although it is less about pretending and more about zooming me through the air from the bedroom window into the flower beds.
i don't mind but sometimes i get grubby and that means the washing machine for me. i hate the washing machine and sometimes (nearly always) i lose some stuffing. but I cant stay grubby or i cant go in alices bed at night where it is warm and smells nice and i can guard her. i got a thorn in my eye yesterday.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
friends doggy style
Current mood: anxious
Category: Self defense
i have just made friends with a dog called hinges and he says he will try not to shred me but stuffed toys are tempting as are plastic bottles and newspapers. if he drools on me i may have to go in the washing machine as well so it could be a doomed friendship to be honest.
Category: Self defense
i have just made friends with a dog called hinges and he says he will try not to shred me but stuffed toys are tempting as are plastic bottles and newspapers. if he drools on me i may have to go in the washing machine as well so it could be a doomed friendship to be honest.virus deleted
Current mood: sneaky
Category: Internet Security
my friend mcafrey has caught the computer virus on alices computer! that is a relief. if it stayed it would make alice sad. now i can start downloading more stuff again. please dont tell alice.
Category: Internet Security
my friend mcafrey has caught the computer virus on alices computer! that is a relief. if it stayed it would make alice sad. now i can start downloading more stuff again. please dont tell alice.
Monday, April 10, 2006
nice music
Current mood: excited
Category: Music
alice says that she is going to a gig on thursday and i can come. it is a band called bee stings and i like them and mainly val who is kind. but i checked the date on the internet and it says it is on wednesday. just as well i checked. i will let her know and she can take me to see val and the bee stings.
i will have to come up with a reason why i know about the date though because i am not allowed to use the internet. alice will be glad that we can go together because i can stop boys from talking to her.
Category: Music
alice says that she is going to a gig on thursday and i can come. it is a band called bee stings and i like them and mainly val who is kind. but i checked the date on the internet and it says it is on wednesday. just as well i checked. i will let her know and she can take me to see val and the bee stings.
i will have to come up with a reason why i know about the date though because i am not allowed to use the internet. alice will be glad that we can go together because i can stop boys from talking to her.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
grumpy alice
Current mood: defensive
Category: Refuse Engineering
alice has been grumpy all weekend. i dont know why but i think it might be because i didnt order the things in the bin right on saturday. maybe i should have put things in order of size or colour instead of by spelling.
we didnt go to the park so i have spent all weekend inside. mostly in the airing cupboard where i wont get into any more trouble.
Category: Refuse Engineering
alice has been grumpy all weekend. i dont know why but i think it might be because i didnt order the things in the bin right on saturday. maybe i should have put things in order of size or colour instead of by spelling.
we didnt go to the park so i have spent all weekend inside. mostly in the airing cupboard where i wont get into any more trouble.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
shopping and rubbish
Current mood: curious
Category: Consumerism
today alice has gone to the shops to buy food. i think she will buy a pot noodle and some brown bread and some milk and some brocolli (i saw her list).
i am a curious bear so when she went out i looked in the bin because it has interesting smells. i found lots of interesting things that are different colours and different sizes. then i had a dilema. do i order these things by size or colour or by some other category. in the end i put everything in a pile on the kitchen floor and had a sleep.
later i decided to order things alphabetically because that makes sense and a dream told me. alice will be pleased that the things are not jumbled up any more. later we are going to the park. sometimes there are children there but they are busy on the swings and dont play with me. this is a good thing (i might bite).
Category: Consumerism
today alice has gone to the shops to buy food. i think she will buy a pot noodle and some brown bread and some milk and some brocolli (i saw her list).
i am a curious bear so when she went out i looked in the bin because it has interesting smells. i found lots of interesting things that are different colours and different sizes. then i had a dilema. do i order these things by size or colour or by some other category. in the end i put everything in a pile on the kitchen floor and had a sleep.
later i decided to order things alphabetically because that makes sense and a dream told me. alice will be pleased that the things are not jumbled up any more. later we are going to the park. sometimes there are children there but they are busy on the swings and dont play with me. this is a good thing (i might bite).
Friday, April 07, 2006
origin of bear part two
Current mood: suspicious
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
you are a nosey lot. now you want to know why i dont trust boys and also how did i become an automomous intelligent being (whatever that means). well i will tell you but it is a sad story. if you dont like sad stories then go and read something else now please.
once i was a normal teddy bear. i dont remember any of that. one night a bad man came to alices room and tried to do bad things to her. she was ten. that is when i woke up. i think some sort of guardian spirit animated me in a kind of possession-of-an-inanimate-object kind of thing. or maybe something else.
i am a loyal bear and i love alice grrrr. i stopped the bad man and made him go away. it was quite messy. also my head got broken and some stuffing came out.
alice was sad but she was safe and she stitched up my head and made me better. but she didnt go to brownies so she said she is not good at sewing. she was sorry and did her best. now my brain is not right.
so that is why i dont trust boys and why i protect alice from boys. even though she is all grown up and can look after herself and can i please not make everyone go away.
some nice people sent comments and i have written them here. the reason i have written them is because they were on myspace (i am suspicious of myspace because it is full of weird people) and now i want to use blogger. here are the comments:
Dear MT,
I must say you are a very brave Bear indeed and that is great that you saved Alice from the nasty man.
Not all boys are horrid though, you are a boy are you not? Some boys are nicer than some girls even. Some nice boys as examples include: the man who did poetry in the 80s sitcom 'Bread', Simon Pegg (he is funny as well as nice) and Will Young (he definitely wouldn't touch a girl).
that was from gem. she is nice. here is my reply:
thank you gem. you are nice.
i am a boy in some ways but i am also a stuffed bear and so i am asexual (i dont have a willy for example).
it is true that not all boys are bad but i am always suspicious and if they are new then i am extra suspicious. also boys with beards are always bad in my experience as a bear.
alice doesnt like will young but that is more to do with his musical style than his sexuality. also she told me that he is a lantern jawed cross eyed mong.
gem replied to me which is nice although i worry that people on the internet are prepared to converse with a mentally unstable cartoon teddy bear:
Thank you Ted.
I've always found that boys called Nigel are especially dodgy.
I have a clinical phobia of Nick Berry.
And yes Alice is right about Will Young he is a massive mong-head.
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
you are a nosey lot. now you want to know why i dont trust boys and also how did i become an automomous intelligent being (whatever that means). well i will tell you but it is a sad story. if you dont like sad stories then go and read something else now please.
once i was a normal teddy bear. i dont remember any of that. one night a bad man came to alices room and tried to do bad things to her. she was ten. that is when i woke up. i think some sort of guardian spirit animated me in a kind of possession-of-an-inanimate-object kind of thing. or maybe something else.
i am a loyal bear and i love alice grrrr. i stopped the bad man and made him go away. it was quite messy. also my head got broken and some stuffing came out.
alice was sad but she was safe and she stitched up my head and made me better. but she didnt go to brownies so she said she is not good at sewing. she was sorry and did her best. now my brain is not right.
so that is why i dont trust boys and why i protect alice from boys. even though she is all grown up and can look after herself and can i please not make everyone go away.
some nice people sent comments and i have written them here. the reason i have written them is because they were on myspace (i am suspicious of myspace because it is full of weird people) and now i want to use blogger. here are the comments:
Dear MT,
I must say you are a very brave Bear indeed and that is great that you saved Alice from the nasty man.
Not all boys are horrid though, you are a boy are you not? Some boys are nicer than some girls even. Some nice boys as examples include: the man who did poetry in the 80s sitcom 'Bread', Simon Pegg (he is funny as well as nice) and Will Young (he definitely wouldn't touch a girl).
that was from gem. she is nice. here is my reply:
thank you gem. you are nice.
i am a boy in some ways but i am also a stuffed bear and so i am asexual (i dont have a willy for example).
it is true that not all boys are bad but i am always suspicious and if they are new then i am extra suspicious. also boys with beards are always bad in my experience as a bear.
alice doesnt like will young but that is more to do with his musical style than his sexuality. also she told me that he is a lantern jawed cross eyed mong.
gem replied to me which is nice although i worry that people on the internet are prepared to converse with a mentally unstable cartoon teddy bear:
Thank you Ted.
I've always found that boys called Nigel are especially dodgy.
I have a clinical phobia of Nick Berry.
And yes Alice is right about Will Young he is a massive mong-head.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
winnie the pooh
Current mood: amused
Category: Art and Photography
there are lots of bears around. some are famous like me and another bear called winnie the pooh. when alice was small she enjoyed reading about pooh and laughed and said naughty things like he was a poo bear and he did a poo and winnie smelled of poo. she could not get told off because that is how it sounds (even though there is a subtle difference in spelling).
today a nice lady called gem became my friend and wrote this email:
I like honey best and I have a feeling you may say you prefer jam because I am thinking poo bear likes honey and he is a massive gaylord.
i will assume she is humouring me with the lack of punctuation and upper case characters. i nearly laughed when i saw she had spelled pooh as poo and that she said he is a massive gaylord. but i am a stuffed bear so laughing is not easy.
it did make me think about pooh bear though. i thought that the one alice liked was black and white and looked nice and was english. and the one on tv is colour and talks like an american. alice says that this means that english poo is good and american poo is shit. she laughed because of that poo thing i think. and no one can tell her off for saying poo now. or shit.
alice is over 30 and i worry about her sometimes.
so is gem. she wrote to me again saying this:
Sorry about my spelling, lack of punctuation and upper class characters, this is because I am a dyslexic (an alphabet spastic).
Was the bear that Alice likes a friend of Sooty?
Category: Art and Photography
there are lots of bears around. some are famous like me and another bear called winnie the pooh. when alice was small she enjoyed reading about pooh and laughed and said naughty things like he was a poo bear and he did a poo and winnie smelled of poo. she could not get told off because that is how it sounds (even though there is a subtle difference in spelling).
today a nice lady called gem became my friend and wrote this email:
I like honey best and I have a feeling you may say you prefer jam because I am thinking poo bear likes honey and he is a massive gaylord.
i will assume she is humouring me with the lack of punctuation and upper case characters. i nearly laughed when i saw she had spelled pooh as poo and that she said he is a massive gaylord. but i am a stuffed bear so laughing is not easy.
it did make me think about pooh bear though. i thought that the one alice liked was black and white and looked nice and was english. and the one on tv is colour and talks like an american. alice says that this means that english poo is good and american poo is shit. she laughed because of that poo thing i think. and no one can tell her off for saying poo now. or shit.
alice is over 30 and i worry about her sometimes.
so is gem. she wrote to me again saying this:
Sorry about my spelling, lack of punctuation and upper class characters, this is because I am a dyslexic (an alphabet spastic).
Was the bear that Alice likes a friend of Sooty?
virus!
Current mood: shifty
Category: Web, HTML, Tech
i have a friend called mcafrey. he is really good at computers but doesnt use myspace because he says it is gay. he said my computer has a virus and that he can get rid of it for me. he is a loyal friend. i think he is stuffed with polystyrene beans.
i am not allowed to use the internet so we had to catch the virus before alice found out. she would get angry and put me somewhere. i think last time was in a hole at the beach. it took me ages to get home (the hole caved and the tide came in) and alice was angry because i was late for tea.
Category: Web, HTML, Tech
i have a friend called mcafrey. he is really good at computers but doesnt use myspace because he says it is gay. he said my computer has a virus and that he can get rid of it for me. he is a loyal friend. i think he is stuffed with polystyrene beans.
i am not allowed to use the internet so we had to catch the virus before alice found out. she would get angry and put me somewhere. i think last time was in a hole at the beach. it took me ages to get home (the hole caved and the tide came in) and alice was angry because i was late for tea.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
boring blogs
Current mood: bored
Category: Blogging
alice has been reading a lot today. not interesting enough for you? this is a blog. that is what they are for.
Category: Blogging
alice has been reading a lot today. not interesting enough for you? this is a blog. that is what they are for.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
stuffed
Current mood: full
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
thank you to everyone who helped find my missing stuffing. my bottom is now plump again and i dont sag as much generally. yoga is harder now but i dont mind. someone asked me if you can get real mental ted bears. what do you mean? i am real. i asked alice and she said god help us if there are any more like me around. she is funny.
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
thank you to everyone who helped find my missing stuffing. my bottom is now plump again and i dont sag as much generally. yoga is harder now but i dont mind. someone asked me if you can get real mental ted bears. what do you mean? i am real. i asked alice and she said god help us if there are any more like me around. she is funny.
Monday, April 03, 2006
origin of bear
Current mood: informative
Category: Life
some of you have written me letters asking about where i came from. i am around 33 years old. this is a bit older than alice. her parents bought me for her before she was born. i dont know how long i was on the shelf and i dont know how far alice was in the gestation period when i was bought and anyway i didnt become sentient until alice was about 10. so in a way i am only 23.
sunday was boring. all we did all day was eat toast and watch tv. i didnt even have toast (i am a bear).
a boy from hungary wrote to me and said i should trust boys and they do not lie. then he said he used to know a kind bear called taplo and this means tinder fungus. so far i am not reassured about boys.
Category: Life
some of you have written me letters asking about where i came from. i am around 33 years old. this is a bit older than alice. her parents bought me for her before she was born. i dont know how long i was on the shelf and i dont know how far alice was in the gestation period when i was bought and anyway i didnt become sentient until alice was about 10. so in a way i am only 23.
sunday was boring. all we did all day was eat toast and watch tv. i didnt even have toast (i am a bear).
a boy from hungary wrote to me and said i should trust boys and they do not lie. then he said he used to know a kind bear called taplo and this means tinder fungus. so far i am not reassured about boys.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
alice is sad
Current mood: protective
Category: Romance and Relationships
i think alice was sad today. she used words i didnt understand and picked me up and carried me to the fireplace and got some matches. then she put me down and cried. steve must have been very bad. im glad im here to protect alice. i love her.
Category: Romance and Relationships
i think alice was sad today. she used words i didnt understand and picked me up and carried me to the fireplace and got some matches. then she put me down and cried. steve must have been very bad. im glad im here to protect alice. i love her.
making steve go away
Current mood: slightly squashed
Category: Romance and Relationships
last night steve came to stay. i was put in the wardrobe which is hard to get out of. i only managed it after i heard bad things. by then alice was unconscious and steve was already asleep.
i wedged my head in his mouth. that was hard because i have a large head. he didnt move for long. alice will be so pleased when she comes round and sees how i made him go away.
Category: Romance and Relationships
last night steve came to stay. i was put in the wardrobe which is hard to get out of. i only managed it after i heard bad things. by then alice was unconscious and steve was already asleep.
i wedged my head in his mouth. that was hard because i have a large head. he didnt move for long. alice will be so pleased when she comes round and sees how i made him go away.
