Monday, October 30, 2006

 

Vampires and Ghost Don't Exist...

Don't scientists have better things to study? Apparently not.

read more digg story

i have just tried to use digg to put something on this page and is has gone a bit wrong but at least there are capital letters and rudimentary punctuation. that is a nice change.

basically i think that scientists have to prove that something doesnt exist before they say it doesnt. and science is not all about test tube babies and frankenstein and genetically modified hamsters although some of it is and that bit is cool.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

 

trains built from snot

Current mood: disgusted
Category: Public Rail Services

words fail me although i am about to use some so maybe they do not fail me very much. today i have been on the internet (shhh!) and i have proof that british rail makes its trains out of snot. for example last night a train fell off its tracks. this was not because of the wrong sort of leaves or snow or marshmallows but because "three of the four bogeys came off the last two carriages, leaving the two carriages at an angle to the rest of the train."


i think that says it all really. i dont know much about privatisation of public services but if it involves bogeys and snot and poo then i say renationalise.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

 

global positioning bear

Current mood: fearful
Category: Rise Of The Machines

today i feel quiet and slow. it was raining this morning and the sound of the water running down alices windows made me sad. but then i got some email about a robot bear that can help people find their way and i cheered up. i could type in all the stuff about this bear but i think that you will have more fun reading it on the site that i found it. it is written in pretend english that is even harder to read than my diary.


to make a long and hard story short and hard this is a bear that you put in your car and it uses magic to tell you when you have missed your turning. and when you do it does a little dance. this is a cool bear and i would like to be friends but i asked if i could be friends and it said that there was 300 yards to left turn.

this gps bear might not look like much but i think robot bears are the future. a few months ago i saw a poster that had a baddie robot bear that could definitely get people real good. not as good as i can get them but i bet it has quite a decent bite. i have put its picture below. i wish i was a robot bear because then alice would not put me in the washing machine or i would rust.


 

tedcam

Current mood: exhibitionist
Category: Surveillance Techniques

hello. i have been a busy little bee and i have got a webcam and i have put it on my site. my friend mcafrey helped me because my head is full of stuffing. at the moment it looks boring but soon i will be able to link my mobile phone to it and then you can see what i get up to around the house and at gigs and in the toilet.

the webcam is on my website. just click the bearcam link.


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

 

ask ted

Current mood: helpful
Category: Agony Bear

hello. today i am going to write about something different. as you may know lots of people write to me with their problems. to be honest if anyone writes to me they have a problem even if they do not know it. anyway i am not here to judge strangers on the internet. i am going to help and today i am going to help graham. graham has written to me and this is what he said.

Dear Ted,

First of all let me tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog. We really crack up at some of your stories here are work. You seem to have a good insight into life, even if you are supposedly a teddy bear - and a mental one at that! With that in mind I would like to share a problem I have and hope you can help.

I have been seeing a girl called Claire recently, but after a few weeks she seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. I've sent her a few emails but I get short replies and this weekend she doesn't want to visit me (something about a sick relative - as if!)

What should I do? You gave Hinges some good advice the other day. Can you help me? Please, Ted, Help!

Best wishes,

Graham.

hello graham. ted here.

i was very interested to read your letter and it is clear that you are able to use better punctuation and capital letters than i can. but being able to press shift is not all there is to life. playing games and hiding easter eggs is about as good as it gets if you want my opinion.

i think that claire is very sensible not to want to see you. you sound like a git. take the hint and bother someone else (but not alice or i will get you). i know that this does not sound very encouraging but i am new at this agony aunt business. do not be too hard on yourself. try not to be a git next time a lady takes pity on you and kisses you. maybe your willy is too small? i cannot know. now stop bugging me with your stupid problems and get back to work.

bye. ted.

i think that this was a very successful first attempt at being an agony aunt. maybe i will get better but maybe not. it doesnt matter to me whichever way it goes because anyone who wants advice from me is silly. if you are silly and want advice please email me at ted@mentalted.com. that is called marketing. here is some more. do it today.

bye. ted.


Friday, October 13, 2006

 

friday the 13th

Current mood: moody
Category: Health and Safety

today is friday and that means it is the end of the week and nearly the weekend and that is the time that people go out and have fun and drink and dance. alice will not be doing these things because she has stuff to do. the stuff she will do is as follows (and she will do it in this order)


write a list of everything wrong with her life (i will be on that list more than once because alice gets confused and sometimes thinks the list is about nice things).

drink gin and wine (actually she will do this while writing the list so this is not an exact order).

smoke some fags (see above).

play loud music. i suspect it will be all about eve tonight because alice has been naughty and downloaded some all about eve mp3s. i have emailed julianne regan to let her know and i will send a postal order so she has money to spend (she was the singer in all about eve but now she drinks wine but i dont think she smokes).

that is pretty much what alice is up to this evening. i will be up to my usual tricks. i have decided that it would be a good idea for julianne to write a nice song about someone who is not necessarily alice. i sent her an email about this and a copy is below. i have not had a reply back yet because she is probably busy sleeping and drinking wine and being ethereal. or folky. i dont really understand bohemian types. i am a bear after all and not a crusty. here is the email.

hello julianne. i have read on your website that you are going into hibernation for the winter. i think that is very wise. bears do that too but not me because i am not real.

anyway i am not writing to you about hibernation but because i have an idea for a song that you might like to write. you can have the credit because i am a bear and have no need for money or fruit juice or pants.

here is my idea.

once upon a time there was a little girl (she can be called alice if you like) and she had a bear that looked after her and made sure that she was not lonely. he also does the cleaning but that might not make for very ethereal lyrics so maybe skip that bit.

one day she became a grown up and she still had a bear (maybe he could be called ted) but she thought that it is silly to have a bear when you are not small anymore. and teddy bears are not very pre-raphelite.

that can be the first verse but dont let me tell you how to write songs because you are the expert. anyway there is more. here it is. just below.

the rest of the song can be about how the bear still looks after her because although she is grown up you still need a bear to nuzzle up to when everything is shit. sorry about swearing but that is what alice says when everything is shit. she usually drinks red wine when she says things like that by the way.

as a side note maybe you could make the bear have two eyes instead of one staring eye and one small blue button. but its up to you. i dont want to spoil your artistic integrity.

have a nice doze and see you in the spring.
bye.
ted.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Humor Blog Top Sites