Mental Ted
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
blue lights
Category: Law and Order
last night was scary but i was not scared because i am plucky and brave and psychotic. the reason that it was scary is because alice was feeling very sad and she was in bed and then there was a loud bang on the door and there were flashing blue lights outside and shouting voices.
the police wanted to see if alice was alright because they had found pete and pete had been hurt very much and was so sore that he couldnt breathe or eat or be alive. it is nice that the police wanted to see if alice was ok and protect her. they said that if they found something called evidence then they would keep her safe in the police station.
when the police left alice was very worried and made herself feel better by scratching her arms and nodding her head a lot. i checked under the leaves in the garden to make sure that she hadnt been taking bad drugs but they were still there so that is ok. i counted them and there were 72 pills and that is the same as last time when i hid them so using basic mathematics i can know that alice has not eaten them or put them up her bum. i am not being rude because you can put some pills up your bum according to holby city.
i wanted to watch a dvd of csi so i can find out what evidence is but alice listened to loud music instead. i hope she doesnt play it too loud or the neighbours will complain like last time and alice might get into trouble.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
fuck off
Category: Linguistics
i am shocked and outraged and stunned and sickened and also i am amused because someone has sent me a funny picture that it very bad and disgusting.i think that it is terrible that the poor little girl can not count. the bear has only one finger in the air and she has two. thats education in the third world for you and in somewhere where chinese people are. i dont know where that is (it is china or japan i think or taiwan).
bye. ted.
Friday, June 23, 2006
judgment day
Category: Crime and Punishment
i think that to be fair things are not as bad as some people might make them seem to be. for example sometimes a person might get cross if you spill their pint of beer and that is not so bad in the cosmic scheme of things but if they are drunk (and that is like being on drugs which is bad) they will not understand the scale of the problem. there is a word i am trying to remember but it escapes me for the time being (it is perspective and i will remember it soon).
alice is definitely not happy today. she has not put on the radio or played the suga babes cd once. it is not all bad then and i would laugh if i could but i can not because i am a stuffed bear. instead alice has not been happy and she has wailed and bashed her head on the door frame of the bedroom lots and generally made a big fuss over spilled pete and i tried telling her there was no use crying over spilled pete and i thought that was funny because it is like spilled milk and that is a cliche but alice punched me and i know that it is time to be quiet when that happens.
there is a big brother eviction on tonight and i will watch that and hope that alice is happier tomorrow. it is supposed to be cloudy and sunny and 22 degrees so that is nice. alice is moving pete to the shed but she doesnt want my help so i can relax for now.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
making pete go away
Category: DIY
last night pete came to stay. i was put in the shed which is easy to get out of now i can do yoga. i was worried but i think pete was doing some diy and not bad boy things. i could hear him and i think he was hitting alices thumb with a hammer a lot. that is bad and he is very clumsy.
by the time i got in and upstairs (stairs are tricky when your legs are two inches long) alice was unconscious and pete was asleep. alice had accidentally left a chair wedged tightly under the door handle so it took ages to get in to save her. when i made pete go away i got messy with red stuff. i snuggled in beside alice so she will be pleased to see me in the morning. i love her.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
war
Category: War
i am usually a sweet and harmless little bear as you all know but today i am on the warpath. alice is under the influence of pete and this has to stop. so far i have not been able to ambush him because he always avoids me and also wears metal shin pads and i can not bite these. well i can but that does not hurt him.
i have a plan though. it will have to wait until tonight though because this plan involves pete being asleep and alice being asleep and me being cunning and not asleep. i feel much more awake today than i have in the last two days. i found a lot of my stuffing hidden in a cupboard this morning too and that helps make me less floppy and more able to climb and bounce and scuttle.
i will let you know what happens tomorrow.
bye. ted.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
drugs are bad
Category: Narcotics
today i am cross because i have seen lots of things that make me worried about alice. here is a list because i like lists and order and making things make sense in a logical way even if not everyone understands my logic.
number one. pete is living in alices house. pete is a boy and so he can not be trusted. also his dirty boots are not neat and his pants smell different to alices.
number two. there are some empty pill containers in the rubbish bin. i can know this because i have been in the bin when no one was looking and i have found them and put them in the garden under a pile of leaves. i also found an interesting acorn but that is another story for later.
number three. there were some full pill containers in the bathroom cabinet and by alices bed. these are now also under a pile of leaves.
number four. alice has painted her rooms in bright colours and is wearing bright dresses and bright makeup and is singing nasty music like songs made by james blunt and snow patrol. i think that this worries me more than anything.
i think it is time for me to get down to business and sort this out. i have been asleep for too long and alice needs my help.
the poor girl. i love her so much it makes my starey eye water.
Monday, June 19, 2006
dream dream dream
Category: Nocturnal Bear Activity
i had a funny dream last night. it is mainly funny because i dont dream as a rule. something strange is going on and that thing is stranger than a stuffed bear writing a diary on the internet like what i am doing at the moment.
i will tell you my dream even though other peoples dreams are boring. alices dreams are always boring when she tells them to me. sometimes she dreams about freedom and love and fresh flowers in the countryside. i can see her twitch when she dreams. sometimes i prod her to make her stop because she should have a deep sleep and not go in to rapid eye movement. i am not a doctor so maybe i am wrong about that but i prod her anyway.
my dream was full of light and bits of dark and it was like i had two brains in my head when really i just have stuffing and precious little of that at the moment. if you see any of my stuffing please let me know. i am running a bit low.
this afternoon i will investigate alices bedroom properly. i found some large shoes in the wardrobe that smell like boys. this makes me anxious.
bye. ted.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
sleepy bear
Category: Conciousness
i feel funny today. it is like i have had a big long sleep. i dont feel right and i might have another little doze soon. i can see that i have not written my diary for a while because the dates are all wrong or maybe i am all wrong. i dont know why. i thought i did it yesterday.
alice is here. she is asleep. the bedroom has pink walls and that is new because when i was last awake they were white with brown bits but that was mould or mildew or dirt. alice looks a bit fatter and she is smiling. she smells nice.
i feel tired. i have to go now.
Friday, June 02, 2006
girls and guitars
Category: Music and Gender Theory
i had a very nice time last night. alice took me to the famous 100 club where my favourite band was playing. the bee stings (actually it is just called bee stings and ben gets cross when people call them the bee stings but no one else cares) played extra loud and val did lots of singing and shouting and rapping.
the priscillas were nice and so was hey gravity. the priscillas were groovy and some had big hair. the lady in hey gravity kept falling off the stage and maybe she had some beer earlier or had low blood sugar or was just showing off. she was very good though and nearly nipped my tail in a playful way. im glad she missed.
the show was only spoiled when a silly bald man stole a pint of cider that belonged to the singer from the priscillas who was singing at the time. i saw him steal it and put an old cigarette end in his ear when he wasn't looking (he was very drunk).
Thursday, June 01, 2006
spot ted
Category: Time Management
i have been a lazy bear. i have not been keeping my diary for a week and that is lazy but also i have been busy. for a start lots of nice people have been ordering t-shirts. this means i have spent every spare minute wrapping them in brown paper and extra-hairy string. i have stopped doing the potato print branding because my potatoes went mouldy and alice will be suspicious if i buy more because i am a teddy bear and do not eat potatoes or carrots or slime.
alice must not find out about my enterprise so all the wrapping must happen when she is out. that is time i usually use to write this diary and to bait stupid people on myspace and to write emails to friends like bee stings and the tits of death (although i think they dont like me anymore because maybe i was a bit musty when i said hello last time) and some other bands that i will tell you about soon.
actually alice has not been around much this week. she seems to have a lot of evening classes and sometimes she doesnt come home until it is very late. she is washing more often than normal and that is suspicious because usually she just drinks wine and eats noodles and makes smells and laughs and blames me.
tonight i am going to a gig. bee stings will be there and they are very very very good and that is my review of the gig even though i have not been yet. also the priscillas will be there and they are new but they are girls so i will enjoy that. and a band called hey gravity will start and some are boys and some are girls so i dont know about that. the gig will be at the 100 club and that is famous because the sex pistols had a fight with oasis there or something.
